Cock-ups Officially the Funniest Part of Scuba Diving

Posted: August 30, 2013 in Culture, Diving Equipment, Scuba Diving, Travel
Tags: , , , , ,

Groundbreaking research at The Scuba Monkey’s top-secret labs (off the A3 near Horsham) has discovered that watching someone make a complete pig’s ear of a buddy check or giant stride entry is scientifically proven to be the funniest thing in scuba diving.

This new research overturns previous thoughts on the subject undertaken during the 1990’s that had indicated that seeing someone end up with a bird’s nest of line at 5m when trying to deploy an SMB and bobbing up and down like a yo-yo was the incident most likely to cause someone to laugh into their mouthpiece.

The Scuba Monkey’s research team spoke with leading industry figures who confirmed the findings:

Joseph McHelmut, an experienced Red Sea Instructor said “I watched Mike, our cocky young Divemaster, get all the way into the water before reminding him that he needed a weight belt”. Barely able to control a grin, even years after the incident, Joe added “Adding insult to injury, as he hit the water his legs were spread and the water slapped his crotch so hard that he let out a shriek like a little girl too. It made Mike look like a complete twat in front of everyone, and he actually shut the f*ck up and paid attention after that instead of concentrating on chatting up the female guests and parading around the dive deck semi-clothed.”

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Annoying bloke about to roll into the water minus his mask….genius!

We then spoke to Melanie Smitherpants, an Instructor based in the UK. “One of my dafter students totally ignored my advice to look at the horizon when making their giant stride entry. She fell forward like Del-Boy falling through an open bar and belly-flopped with such a slap that it was like an Orca breaching”. Barely able to hide a grin Mel added “…it was so funny I had to turn away and bite my lip for about 3 minutes before rejoining the group. My mask was filling up with tears of laughter”

Bob Cobblenob, working up in the Farne Islands and St.Abbs, relayed his findings. “I once had a guest on my dive boat who was a complete cock. He was swaggering around the deck like he was Jacques Cousteau or something….he was the biggest pillock I’ve known to come from Northamptonshire, and that’s going some… Anyway, he considered himself above a quick buddy check as he was far too special for that”. Bob then paused before bursting into laughter “…then on the first dive of the week I noticed he was about to jump in with his dry-suit unzipped. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him and….oh boy, I laughed so much when I saw his face as he bobbed back to the surface that it made my balls ache. He had an expression like someone had just stuffed a pickled onion up his jacksy”.

Brad Saltycrack, an experienced Divemaster in Australia added “Back in the old days I used to think that seeing cocky, macho idiots who play rugby, work as Estate Agents and are called Piers freak-out if they had a little water in their mask was the funniest thing about diving. But I have to agree now that watching an overweight American Tourist faceplant the ocean so hard that they have the red outline of the mask frame on their face for a week after they get back home is f*cking hilarious”.

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