Breaking Diving News: Clearing a Dive Mask is a Basic Skill Shocker!

Posted: October 18, 2013 in BCDs, Culture, Diving Equipment, Scuba Diving, Sport, Travel
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“What do you mean!! I may have to clear my mask from time to time?!”

In breaking news today at The Scuba Monkey’s top-secret labs (off the A11 near Attleborough, left at the lights, near the chinese take-away) it was revealed that scuba diving masks may leak from time to time necessitating occasional clearing.

The news will come as a shock to many novice divers who, despite happily swimming at the surface with no mask at all, freak out and blub like small children when confronted with the possibility of a tea-spoon of water in their eyes during their dive.

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Hard to believe, but one of these does NOT create an impermeable seal from the outside world – you need to be able to clear it from time to time. Shocking. Next we’ll be telling you the water is salty!

Natasha McCrabs, 31, an Open Water diver of some 23 dives and a notorious pain in the arse said “I splash water in my face every morning while washing and, when showering, have learned to breathe in-and-out through my mouth with no problem. However, before even the simplest dive, I find I need to make an enormous palava about spitting in my mask and asking a minimum of 7 people on the dive deck to double check the seal.” Natasha added “After all, everyone knows that any water that leaks into the mask magically transforms into acid and burns your eyes out.”

John Cockcheese, 27, from Basildon, an Advanced Open Water Diver of some 43 dives and irritating twat who works in media said “I bought a new mask from my local dive shop and paid approximately £50 in good faith that it wouldn’t leak. I was disgusted to learn when diving with it that if I smiled or turned my head to a certain angle underwater a few dribbles of water would leak in accordance with the laws of physics and common sense. This is unacceptable. I mean, it’s not like we’re trained to deal with these situations.” Mr Cockcheese then paused before saying “Ok, thinking about it, that’s wrong. We’re trained for minor inconveniences like this on Confined Water training dives 1, 2 and 4. And Open Water training dives 2, 3 and 4. But, I still maintain it’s a sham and I shouldn’t be expected to exhale through my nose from time to time.”

Joyce Rimmer, 48, a Rescue Diver from Hartlepool with a ridiculous hairstyle said “I’ve been diving now for 2 years but the thought of doing something simple like removing and replacing my mask beneath the surface terrifies me. I can’t stand water in my eyes. So, naturally, I feel ready to begin my Divemaster training.” When queried as to whether someone uncomfortable with demonstrating basic safety skills like mask clearing should even be in the water, let alone considering turning pro, Joyce said “It’s not like it’s a big safety issue. If my mask fogs or leaks at 30m I just stop the whole group, flap my arms and signal ‘problem’ before forcing everyone to surface in case a drop of water tickles my nostril. What’s wrong with that?”

Bob Cousteau, an Instructor of 10 years not known for mincing his words, said “Who are these f*cking idiots? They shouldn’t be let out of the swimming pool. It’s like letting someone drive who can’t go round a roundabout.”

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