Tekkie Divers as hard as Chuck Norris: Official

Posted: October 21, 2013 in Culture, Diving Equipment, Scuba Diving, Sport
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Tekkie Divers as hard as Chuck Norris: Official

This is you, only months after purchasing your first twin set.

In diving news today research at the Scuba Monkey’s top-secret labs (just off the A11 near Attleborough, left at the lights by the chinese take-away, ask for Bob, red-beard, glasses, y’know the fella…) has revealed that doing ‘Tec’ diving makes you double-rock-hard and macho.

Previous schools of thought had led people to believe that Tec Diving was simply an alternative branch of diving focused on diving a bit deeper for a bit longer with different considerations and planning. However, groundbreaking research and new evidence has revealed that owning and using a twin-set and jet-fins may transform you into Chuck Norris over the months subsequent to purchasing the equipment.

“Tekkies” (as they’re often known) usually dress in all black equipment, have a gruff demeanour and usually congregate in groups together where they can make disparaging remarks about recreational divers and discuss and compare in tedious detail their SAC rates, manifolds, gases and V-Planner use. For example, a typical conversation may focus on the pro’s/con’s of diving with a CCR set-up vs. 40%/80% or 50%/80% stages….and go on for several hours.


Simon Skidmark earlier today “It’s 6c and I’m not even wearing gloves – Grrrrrrrrr….I’m rock hard, me!”

In contrast to normal, working professional Divemasters and Instructors, Tekkies are often shamelessly out of physical condition as they evolve a layer of excess body fat, much like a walrus, due to excessive snacking on long surface intervals. In a parallel to Darwinian Evolution by Natural Selection, it allows the out-of-shape Tekkie to adapt to the long run times and cold environments they find themselves in. Tekkies only move or exert any physical effort where absolutely necessary to save valuable calories and are usually found stationary on quaysides strapped into their wings like overweight astronauts.

Other tell-tale signs and symptoms may include and huge amount of heavy and cumbersome equipment and a sense of entitlement on dive-decks (which may include shouting) as they usually believe their dives to be more valuable or important than the equivalent recreational diver.

How Hard Are You??? The Tekkie Equation:

D x nB x E = H*

Where D = depth of dive you’re going brag about in pub, nB = number of tanks and stages carried, E = expected runtime and H = Hardness/Macho level.
* Multiply by 2 if wearing two or more pieces of Hollis or Dive Rite equipment
* Multiply by 3 if you’re able to polish your Rebreather on surface intervals

In line with their burgeoning macho self-image, Tekkies usually despise underwater aquatic life – labeling reef dives with sharks and rays as ‘boring’, preferring to concentrate their energies on V-Planner and admiring twisted metal.

Simon Skidmark, 28, a budding Tec Diving instructor and enormous bell-end said earlier today “Everyone knows Tec diving is proper diving. And the longer your run-time, the larger your penis. It’s common knowledge. I only dive wrecks. And the deeper the better – that’s what really gives me an erection.”

Get stuck in!! (A classic Tekkie diet)

Flashing his lap-top sized dive computer Skidmark stroked his beard and added “…would I go to a museum on land? Am I interested in history? Would I go to look at the same wreck if it was in the science or maritime museum? Hell no!!! Of course not! I only do this so I can brag on dive club nights – half the time all I know is the name of the wreck…and that’s on a good day. But it does mean people think I’m like Bruce Lee or James Bond or something. Or at least I think they do…”

Kate Stevens, 32, a Divemaster from Portsmouth said “I would desperately love to be a Tekkie, but being a girl means I never have that vital quality – owning an overweight pair of jet-fins and a penis – which you need in order to be fully accepted in their company. I mean, how would I join in with their drunken banter in the club house or pub about pee-valves? Plus I have a clear skirted mask, not a black one. I’d always be an outsider…”


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