World’s Oceans Are A Giant Zoo Shocker

Posted: December 13, 2013 in Culture, Scuba Diving, Sport, Travel
Tags: , , , , , , ,

In breaking news today the Scuba Monkey’s top secret international research labs have uncovered shocking new evidence that the World’s Oceans are, in fact, a giant zoo.


Cuttlefish: Boring.

Previous schools of scientific thought had theorized that the world’s oceans were large water-based eco-systems in a continual state of change and natural fluctuation providing life to the planet and under threat from human activity. Scientists had also considered that the creatures within it were many and varied due to millions of years of Darwinian evolution by natural selection; with each species having it’s own behavioural patterns and life-cycle based on genetic drivers.


Whale Sharks: Should be common as muck. If you don’t see one, speak to the dive centre manager.

However, new research has shown all the above to be total horse manure.

Recent consultations with a series of averagely qualified recreational divers has uncovered the shocking truth that the world’s dive sites are, in fact, zoos – where all possible creatures are expected to appear on request on every dive.

Emma, 24, from Clapham, an Advanced Open Water diver with a mammoth 22 dives logged and a face like a smacked arse said “On a recent dive in Malaysia I was amazed to find that I didn’t see a turtle during the dive. Not one.” Pursing her lips she added “Naturally, I complained to the Instructor on board the boat who tried to tell me some bullshit story about how there were never any ‘guarantees’ with diving. I mean, how am I supposed to brag to my incredibly narcissistic friends who work in media back in London about my scuba diving when I haven’t got a photo of me swimming alongside a turtle on my Twatphone 5S?! I’ll be complaining on trip advisor – I’ll ‘guarantee’ my instructor that.”

Jean-Michel, 55, a CMAS diver with a huge experience of nearly 47 dives and an irritating grey goatee beard, said “I did a dive in Thailand where I saw cuttlefish, morays, scorpionfish, barracuda, hunting trevally, octopus and a ghost pipe fish. But no Manta Ray. Boring.” Shrugging, he added “This is unacceptable. There was one in the brochure. And I always carry a camera so I can hold up the rest of the dive group to take photographs of these creatures and store the images on a hard drive no-one will ever see. I expect a refund. Or a free trip to the Maldives. Or both.”

Dive Centre Manager Pascale, 35, commented “We’ve had it too easy in this industry for too long. For years we’ve been telling customers that the oceans are a vast natural habitat and that what we see on dives varies from day-to-day, season-to-season and ocean-to-ocean. And that you need to be extremely lucky to see certain rare forms of life. But it’s time everyone knew the truth: it’s a zoo. A big zoo. If you don’t see what you hoped for on the dive – it means we’ve cocked it up – someone forgot to put the turtle in that morning. And you should be complaining to the dive centre in question in the strongest possible terms.”

  1. Dora says:

    Just wish to say your article is as astounding. The clarity in your
    post is simply nice and i can assume you are an expert on this
    subject. Fine with your permission let me to grab your RSS feed to keep
    up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the gratifying work.

    • knightm27 says:

      Thanks very much for you kind comment. My little blogs are very tongue-in-cheek/sarcastic. I’ve worked as a professional diver for 10 years around various parts of the world so I try to feed some of it back in a humourous way (while making point!) 🙂

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