Diving Instructors A Thing Of The Past!

Posted: December 31, 2013 in BCDs, Culture, Diving Equipment, Scuba Diving, Sport, Travel
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
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Why dive to dive?? You can simply use footage to post and tell everyone how great you are!!

Scuba Monkey Labs, the top-secret research facility in Asia (just south of the 7/11 on the main road, the pub on the left, ask for Bob – red beard, glasses – you know the one…) have discovered that in the near future, watching GoPro footage of diving will replace the actual experience of physically going scuba diving.

With technology becoming cheaper and most modern homo-sapiens reluctant take part in any team activity or leave their smartphones for more than 10 minutes, scuba diving will be phased-out in favour of watching footage of aquatic life on a series of 1080p image files while sitting on a boat.

In the next few years virtual diving is set to boom and diving instructors will be phased-out, with most people opting for new ‘diving experiences’ where they can simply sun themselves on a boat and watch footage on their smartphones with a commentary 4 times a day which they can then post to their facebook pages.

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A Trustafarian yesterday “Yar, so, like, I’m a traveller….I’ll tell you all about it – I’ll just grab my laptop from my Mum’s Audi”

Lenny, 25, from Holland, an enormously narcissistic young man, said “I’ve done nearly 50 dives now and surely that’s enough. After all, I’m a rich trustafarian who’s already dived in the best places of the coral triangle; Indonesia, Phillipines, Raja Ampat. I only want the best. Big stuff. Even though I can’t even manage to get my own fins on. And Diving is just so much effort. I have to actually think about other people and work as a team which, being a massively self-absorbed person, is very difficult for me.” Checking his reflection in the window, he added “I just disappear off on my own on most dives. Sod my buddy. I want to get footage of big things to post on facebook so everyone can see how great I am. I really am that pompous and selfish. This new process of simply buying footage of pelagic life to watch on your smartphone and claim as your own sounds perfect for massaging my ego.”

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“Man, I look good. I think I’ll make this my profile picture…”

Umberto, 44, from Italy, an enormously needy diver of some 73 dives said “I just get so cold on these tropical dives. The water is 28-29c – mamma mia!! Can’t they improve the temperature or something??” Shivering in the 34c air our delicate flower added “I love this new idea of simply sunning yourself on the boat and buying footage of the dive that someone else has shot. After all, if I can’t be guaranteed a Manta Ray why bother getting in the water?”

Magda, 47, from Oslo, a marketing executive with gigantic fake boobs, said “I was once told we would be diving a site a second time. That’s ridiculous. I’ve done it once so I’ve seen all I need to. So, this new system of sitting on the boat in my bikini talking about what a great diver I am while someone else provides footage sounds like a great idea. I don’t like all that hassle of actually having to move my legs and kick anyway. And last trip I found I had water trapped in my left ear for a couple of hours – which I complained to the manager about”.

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Commonly worn on the wrong wrist by cocktail divers (left instead of right) – they have no idea what it’s for but, boy, it looks cool!

Instructor Gary Clark, 42, concurred “Diving Instruction is set to become a thing of the past. And, to be fair, it’s probably for the best. Most alledgedly ‘Advanced’ divers don’t listen to their instructors, only wear a diving computer for decoration and have no idea what an NDL limit is, how to manage their air consumption, or how to plan a dive. So the safety will be much improved if we just let them sit on the boat, give them some footage of whale sharks to watch, and splash them with salt water 4 times a day. Everyone’s a winner!”

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