Satan Accepts Responsibility for GoPro Cameras

Posted: April 24, 2014 in BCDs, Culture, Diving Equipment, Humour, Media, Scuba Diving, Sport, Travel
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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“ok, I admit it, it was me…”

 

In breaking news at the Scuba Monkey’s top-secret research labs (just south of Nangtong Supermarket, near the massage parlour on the road south from Ranong) it’s been revealed that Satan, Prince of Darkness, is the entity responsible for GoPro Hero cameras.

Long suspected to be the case by Scuba Diving Instructors worldwide, this latest information confirms their deepest suspicions and fears.

The Dark Lord himself told The Scuba Monkey’s research team about his evil bidding in a telephone interview yesterday afternoon.

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“There’s just too many humans in the world. Too many. Why can’t they stop rutting, just for a second? They’re not even my favourite primate. I like the Orangutans – that ‘Clyde‘ especially. And we need to sort out this food/air deal. Anyway, him upstairs – y’know him with the white flowing beard – commanded I do something about it. Said I was the demon for the job. After all, Satan’s the name, capturing souls is the game!”

“So, I appeared to (founder and CEO of GoPro) Nicholas Woodman in an apparition. You should have seen his face!! I snuck into his bedroom at 4am and planted the idea in his brain. So, go easy on the guy – it’s not all his fault.”

Laughing almost to the point of tears Satan said “I filled him full of a load of crap about how it ‘helps people capture and share their lives’ most meaningful experiences with others—to celebrate them together’…a ha-ha-ha-ha…”

“The reality is it’s a great way of culling the most shallow, self-centred, egotistical and narcissistic fleshlings for my evil kingdom. These f*ckwits are like lambs to the slaughter. First I give them Facebook – the ultimate tool for the mentally ill who post ‘selfies’ under the misapprehension that anyone gives a shit. And then, my masterstroke, was as to create simple to use, easy to buy, small boxes that takes 1080p footage which they can stroke their egos with and post on social networking sites. The poor buggers can’t help themselves! They’re like lemmings! Spending their whole life from behind a small box on a stick nearly killing themselves in the hope of becoming more popular, instead of actually having a life… I mean, what a great idea: Foolproof. Simple. Effective. Much like the camera. Add Scuba Diving Equipment and these idiots are like an accident waiting to happen and ‘boom’ – we cull the idiots and make some more space on the planet. Job done. The boss will be pleased. ”

Sam Worthington, 33, a PADI Instructor presently working in South East Asia confirmed Beelzebub’s account of human behaviour. Clutching his head in his hands he said “I deal with Scuba Divers on a daily basis. At best most holiday divers are average in the water. But, add a GoPro and…they behave like headless chickens. Swimming up, down, left, right….everywhere except with their buddy or the group. You can hear their computers screaming as they ascend like polaris missiles. Or beeping like a faulty doorbell as they blow through their 1.4 ppo2 using nitrox as they don’t have a scooby what depth they’re at…”

Shaking his head Sam added “Watching someone dive with a GoPro is like watching a car-crash. These people can barely dive without a camera. Then giving a novice diver this evil piece of technology is like asking a new car driver to drive through a city centre while juggling like Penn Jillette – doomed to failure. And, in the process, they kill most of the aquatic life in their path and risk the safety of the whole group. They’re like human wrecking balls. That Devil guy is not as daft as he looks y’know. I’ve seen a dozen incidents this year already watching some pituitary retard chasing a Whale Shark. And if I see one more of these knob-jockeys kick the coral I’ll kill them myself before they manage to kill themselves…”

Dorianne, 30, an Instructor in the Red Sea, said shaking her head “I once saw a customer – a daft traveller/trustafarian type with ‘ethnic tattoos’ and dreadlocks – shoot up towards the surface chasing footage of an Oceanic Whitetip with a death-box on a stick. Luckily, we managed to slow her down on her journey from 30m to 5m before she hit the surface – despite her kicking and punching. Her Suunto was beeping like morse-code machine having a seizure. When we got back on the boat she was more concerned with uploading her footage to improve her popularity and get ‘likes’ than being connected to the emergency oxygen. Idiot. She’s presently in a chamber just outside Hurghada taking ‘selfies’ of herself with the facility staff.”

Before departing Satan chuckled and said “Soon every diver will have one of these devices before they even finish their Open Water course or know how to hover, monitor their air and depth, or fin correctly. I love it when a plan comes together…business is booming down here in my Evil Kingdom!”

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Comments
  1. Marcus, you’re hilarious! These articles just keep getting better and better!

  2. […] Do you have a Go Pro Camera on an elaborate underwater arm system and insist everyone in a 10m radius on the boat watches the […]

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