How to irritate your Dive Instructor/ Guide in a few easy steps!

Posted: June 18, 2014 in Culture, Diving Equipment, Humour, Scuba Diving, Sport, Travel
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Are you a recreational diver? Are you off on holiday soon? Doing some diving? Will you have a diving professional guiding you during the dives? Here’s a few really great ways to get on their nerves, make their life difficult and generally compromise the safety of yourself and the rest of the dive group courtesy of Scuba Monkey diving research labs.

Diving professionals are employed globally to lead dives and offer local diving safety advice and diving tips to certified scuba divers. Each diver paying for this service is, therefore, a qualified diver with an autonomous diver qualification seeking the underwater guidance and dive planning of a diving professional.

However, in this lesson (and it is a lesson) our team of recreational diving experts will show you how you, too, can liven up their dull lives and annoy your diving professional to the brink of a nervous breakdown.

So, sit back and learn some key techniques that will mark you out to experienced diving professionals as a enormous bell-end and someone they can’t wait to see the back of.


1. Equipment Savvy

Tom Perkins, 46, of Berkshire, an IT professional and Open Water qualified diver with 32 dives, said “I like to irritate my dive guides by having no clue about diving equipment set-up. I find the best way to get on my Divemaster or Instructor’s nerves is to either a) stare blankly at my scuba equipment for 20 minutes before each dive like a caveman who’s been thawed out of ice after 7000 years and has just seen scuba equipment for the first time – holding up the rest of the dive group – or, b) claim I know what I’m doing before connecting up the hoses incorrectly and leaving the tank band loose to ensure there’s an in-water incident. The key to this annoyance technique is to not be prepared for a diving trip and – certainly – not to take a diving refresher session before the holiday.  And, additionally, ensure you omit a buddy check before entering the water for maximum annoyance. Divemasters and Instructors like nothing better than securing a loose tank by man-handling the cylinder back into a BCD band at 18m in my experience. Livens up their day.”

Annoyance Score: 6

Wrong regulator in? Check. No computer? Check. No Clue? Check.

Wrong regulator in? Check. No computer? Check. No Clue? Check.



2.  Weight Clueless

Sarah Jones, 35, a HR manager from Bolton says “I trained with BSAC, so naturally my favourite trick on safari boats and day trips is to absolutely insist that I need about 6kg more on my weight belt than I actually need for the dive. It’s a great tactic. This means my buoyancy is completely screwed and I move around beneath the surface like a chimpanzee riding an invisible unicycle, guzzling my air at a rate of knots and compromising the length of the dive for everyone else. On a good day I can have my dive group back at the surface in 25 minutes and my dive guide still with 150bar in his or her tank. Brilliant. I might also ask the guide to carry spares in their BCD for me, like some sort of underwater ‘pack horse’. Then for an added annoyance I complain about the length of the dive as if it’s their fault. It’s great watching their blood boil. The key to this technique, like many you’ll hear, is to be absolutely unwavering in your belief that you know more about diving than someone who does more than 500 dives a year for a living and is trained in dive management.”

Annoyance Score: 5

No, I usually dive with 33kg. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

No, I usually dive with 33kg. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.



3. Fashionably Late

Tammy Lawrence, 24, from Baltimore, USA, has this fantastic way to grate on your dive guide and group “I like to be late for each dive briefing despite knowing exactly when the next briefing will be and then, while everyone else is getting ready for the dive, f*ck around with my camera or decide that this moment – at the end of a 2 hour surface interval – is the ideal time to start a conversation with someone else in another group. If I do it right the captain and crew can be circling the boat around the dive site for a good 10-20 minutes burning fuel waiting for me – or, for bonus points, I can have the rest of my group standing waiting in full equipment and getting increasingly hot and tired with the weight on their backs. They love that! For a full score on this one make sure you’re late getting ready and, at the 11th hour when you’re nearly ready, find you’ve left your computer in a personal bag in the cabin meaning you have to de-kit and repeat the whole process. After all – the dive is all about me!”

Annoyance Score: 7


Take your time…we’ll just stand here fully kitted and circle the island while you grease the o-ring for your camera.



4. Computer Crashing

Bill, 39, from Montreal, a car salesman and Advanced Open Water diver with nearly 46 dives says “I like to always arrive for a day’s diving with a brand new diving computer I’ve bought online that I’ve never read the instructions for – or even taken out of the box until the day – and then expect the guide to know each individual brand of dive computer’s functions intricately. For real impact and maximum irritation you’ll approach your dive guide 3 minutes before the dive with lots of questions about the computer and no sign of an instruction manual. Then, and you’ll like this, I like to ignore common sense and put the computer on my left wrist instead of the correct right wrist so that every time I wave my left arm around on ascents and descents making adjustments to my BCD or drysuit it starts beeping and giving me warnings. It’s particularly good doing that on ascents so I can’t read it with my left hand moving up and down in a venting position. It then begins beeping repeatedly – that way my dive guide thinks I’m having a rapid ascent or crashing straight through a safety stop – and has to keep spinning around to check. Which sometimes I also like to do to keep them on their toes!” said Bill grinning.

Annoyance Score: 3.5

We're jumping in 2 minutes. Can you just show me how to adjust for a different gas mix on this? and how to change the algorithm? Thanks.

We’re jumping in 2 minutes. Can you just show me how to adjust for a different gas mix on this? and how to change the algorithm? Thanks.


5. Mutiny Beneath The Waves

Frank Wilson, a 51 year old quantity surveyor, from NSW, Australia offered this top-tip. “I particularly like to ruin my dive guide’s day by completely ignoring that he/she is supposed to be leading the dive and lead the dive myself by swimming off like a torpedo, unannounced, in a random direction until I’m out of vision. Have I been to the dive site before? No. Do i know where I’m going? Not a f*cking clue. Am I keeping an eye on my depth, no-stop limits, my buddy, currents or air consumption? Don’t be bloody stupid! That just adds to the fun! The secret of making this look plausible – and that I’m not simply taking the p*ss – is to be holding a camera; that gives you licence to behave like a crazed triggerfish underwater. Or, another method is to swim directly in front of the dive leader, kicking them in the head, before flutter-kicking sand and silt in their face so they can’t see where I’m going. But that takes a little more expertise to pull off. The more variables and problems you can throw at the dive leader, the better.”

Annoyance Score: 8.5


See you later, I’m off! catch me if you can!



6. Gas Consumption Poker

Henry McTwatt from East Kilbride, a 33 year old bar manager and massive tit, said “My party piece for causing problems while away on diving trips is ignoring my gas consumption or, when I’m ‘in the mood’, to blatantly lie about it. Most diving instructors always ask me to let them know at 100-120 bar so they can safely bring us all shallower or to our ascent point. The sheer cheek of them! I like to ignore all that and make it a big guessing game. When I’m really on form I’ll manage to ignore requests to confirm how much air I have until I’m at 50bar at 28m. Just to see the whites of their eyes! Sometimes, for a laugh, I also like to lie about how much air I have left too . I’ll say I have 120bar when actually I only have 70bar a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!”

Annoyance Score: 9.5

No regulator, no watch, no computer, no limits!

How much air do I have left? That’s a secret that I’ll tell you when I’m ready. It’ll be a nice surprise.


As you can see, there is a real art to this. The experts assembled above are masters of the craft.

To begin annoying your diving instructor, divemaster or guide, start slowly and build up to these bigger skills.

At first you may wish to leave a dangling/unattached hose or SPG that you can snag on a wreck or coral, lose a fin at depth and flap around like a chicken, take off your mask on the surface before you’re back on the boat to facilitate struggling to remove your fins and head-butting the ladder. Also, touching coral and wildlife when told specifically not to can get you up to 8 points depending on the gravity of the offence or, alternatively, even just be so incompetent at even getting ready for a dive that you need a team of people to dress you.

With time and effort you can be one of the greats like the experts assembled here.

  1. Adam says:

    Yup, as an instructor myself, I can safely say this sage advice will do the trick :),

    • knightm27 says:

      What have I missed? Feel free to add other ‘offences’ in the comments section! 🙂

      • Vanessa says:

        This is brilliant! Poor Instructors! May I add this one: Turn up near the boat, in a vintage beaten wetsuit, without your computer and a dead depth gauge. Say it’s your 2nd dive this year and you have never dived this particular reef… Say that you hate diving in groups as someone is always late… As luck would have it, someone was over half an hour late whilst the rest are baking in the sun… You look utterly annoyed and to distract you, the Instructor asks what has been your deepest dive so far. You reply ’64mtrs on a 15ltr air tank of course, and yours?’. Wait for the reply, burst laughin n walk away…

  2. Crowley says:

    I’ve been a full time dive instructor and guide for 9 years now. Whoever you are, however you came to write this, it is – quite simply – awesome. I laughed and I laughed and I shared your pain because every single one of those things has happened to me. More than once. And many others!

    Brilliant article, cheers,


  3. mick says:

    i was asked to do a check out dive once the instructor told me to descend a little and take my mask off and clear it and take my reg out and clear it, whch i did but i took my mask off then my reg out at the same time when i had cleared my mask all i could see was him givin me the thumbs up when on the surface he asked me what i was doing i told him exactly what you asked me to do, he replied but i didnt mean at the same time to which i replied well you didnt say that.. we had a great dive after that

    • mick says:

      i should have added i do behave myself now, hmmm that might be because now im an instructor and hope my students dont see this post lol

  4. ties says:

    this is not funny at all

  5. Michael Schrader says:

    funniest stuff ever and so true,had every one of these happen on my boat.

  6. independent diver says:

    do this in buddy fashion and take way to much weight and then once on the dive give it to the dive master say carry 10 kl to much each then his bc if full and having to continuously manage his air nd then swim off on your own dive plan while carrying 2 computers one set on 50% so it will alarm when you go below 50 ft the second is to be safe

  7. Jwow says:

    In following the serve…..

    Sue, from Singapore, who has never been diving before said “I got a 3hour bus and a 2hour ferry to the island that I was stay, I had never been diving before So naturally I brought with me all my own brand new equipment and I even carried a full dive tank with me. Just so I was fully ready for the open water course!!”

    whilst Julie from the south of France, who is an advanced CMAS diver with 59 dives says “when I am asked to gear up my own equipment, I like to pick the regulators first and when my guide who is keeping a close eye say’s (to be helpful) you need to put the BCD on first. Naturally I put down the regulators and put the BCD on myself. This causes my guide to bite there lips and restrain from waking there head against the wall!! It’s absolutely great!!!”

    annoyance score 5

  8. Simon says:

    Another fine way to make the dive interesting is to jump in with another group causing your instructor to rush the rest of your group into the water so they do not lose sight of you. If you are really on the ball you do this without your weight belt so that by the time the rest of the group has caught up with you the boat is almost out of sight. This leaves your instructor no option but to give you all his weights and make him do the dive weightless. This means by the end of the dive the instructor can not breath in or he will float to the surface. For added annoyance if you do this on the second dive so the instructor has already got you perfectly weighted and remove all his spares.

  9. Gui says:

    Just be as crapy as you can the boat, nervous, puting the equipement wrong, asking stupid question and after a few second under the water, show them what your real level is (cave trimix ccr)

  10. Wclancy says:

    I am indeed one of those instructors and no idea why I should help you compile this list but…

    I can think of a few you have missed.. When going to an advanced dive site the diver insisting they have enough experience… They don’t.. Which leads to aborted dives and a lot of rather annoyed other divers…

    Divers insisting they know they are fine in shorty 3mm… When everyone else is in a full length 5-7mm…. You can guess the result..

    You mentioned over weighting.. But insisting on too little weights can be just as bad…

    Divers with new masks… Are you sure you don’t want me to ‘burn it’ for you… (If your an instructor you will know what I mean) ,’no, it will be fine’…. Fog up and then moan….

    I think I should stop now as this is just going to come back and bite me! At the end of the day though, you got to remember, you are the one paying for the dive and it is your safety you are screwing around with… Personally, if you are effecting the others safety I will kick you off the dive straight away… Remember, you are meant to be certified.. A DLD is a courtesy, if you think you know better.. Go for it.. But at the same time.. Thanks for the smile.. Oh the joys of our job!

  11. Jonas says:

    Dear monkey you know well that all of this happen already to me😝 but u missed the 10 point thing: do the dimitri just folliw your diveguide until he ask if everything is fine and immediatly after this you have to choose another group. So the guide 1 will be pissed of loosing one of his sheeps and much better diveguide 2 will be surprised about to have one too much and to top all of this just let your guide know on the boat after the dive that he looks like all the other guides.

  12. Izzy diver says:

    Have been diving since I was 12, became an instructor at 19, earned SSI’s Platinum Pro 5000 award at 31, last year. I will be completing my 8,000th dive this year… I mention my experience because what I am about to say should be taken into consideration.


    • knightm27 says:

      I agree totally.

      Sometimes holiday divers get the distinction between “dive site” and “disney world” blurred. The problem is that the ocean is an unforgiving environment if you get it wrong…as you rightly said!

  13. Tom Nomad Diver says:

    Great stories, ..good laugh. Thanks for sharing. nothing new though :)……what about

    Greta 42 from South Africa working in IT Management Department : What works well for me is losing some of my new expensive gear ( Camera never gets boring ) and get the Instructor to rescue it,
    He need to understand that it is his duty to do so, So i just point it out for him.
    He gets an extra free dive out of that.anyway. Lucky guy.
    In the end of the the dive trip i will leave no tips of course for the EQ rescue but tell him how much i envy that he is on a permanent paid dive vacation. Ah yes i might leave a comment to the management because he couldn’t identify the blue fish in the debrief, That should be a crystal clear description for every knowledgeable dive guide to find out what fish i saw. Fish books are so boring..
    Sometimes when i really want to take it to the top i will complain about lack of safety because i wasn’t allowed to wear my gloves in the warm water fragile reef environment but i am from the cold water ( where the REAL divers come from anyway ) so i don’t care so much about these National Park regulations. It’s warm water! What do they know anyway? ” In my dive club where we train divers the PROPER way……….and now give me more weights . . 15 kilos is never gonna be enough. These PADI / SSI divers with that weight check / buddy check nonsense makes me always laugh.

    • knightm27 says:

      Ahhh….the ‘tipping’ conundrum. How do holiday divers think it’s OK to tip a waitress when they have lunch and a cup of coffee and yet….dive guides who work 14hr days for peanuts and (try to!) keep them safe and show them the best the local environment has to offer get…diddly squat! Brilliant! 🙂

    • Diver says:

      He gets an extra free dive. He risks his health i.e getting bent doing a bounce dive.

      • Tom Nomad Diver says:

        @Diver You are right. As that happened tor me as a dive guide / instructor countless times.. Yes the instructor risked his health and that not even for the safety of a person, So you would think the diver would leave a generous tip because he don’t have to buy some new dive gear ? something like 10 % of the value of the gear ? Nope,, have a free drink with me and listen to an hour to my dive stories. That’s what you get, lol. Most of the examples, dive stories and characters here are in a sarcastic / ironic way. So if you think that’s bad to irritate your dive guide / instructor, what you hopefully do, Then just do the opposite like described person here and be nice and enjoy your dives and don;t be behave like a “£$% on a dive boat.

  14. duh says:

    I like to demonstrate my backkick and then piss myself laughing at the attempts of the pro.. Serves them right for laughing at my tech setup

  15. Saskia says:

    Maybe I am totally missing the point here, but as dive professionals (like most of you are) shouldn’t we keep safety first in mind instead of trying to annoy people who are besides working (mostly) hard for a lousy pay trying to give everyone a good time? I mean, you are all supporting people to put themselves (and maybe others) in danger by deliberately “almost run out of air” at 28m, setting up the equipment wrong or taking too much weight with you.

    It might sound funny, but some other people who read this might actually try this at home, lacking the experience to control the situation.

    But again, maybe I am missing the point here…

    • Scuba Monkey says:

      Oh Saskia….

      At the top of the screen is a button that say “About the Monkey – read before proceeding”

      The Monkey writes articles on Scuba Diving (The Scuba Monkey’s Job) as well as movie reviews, book reviews and random outbursts on everything from politics, religion, sport and why TV is a distracting pain in the arse. Some are serious. Some are humorous. And if you can’t tell the difference, this probably isn’t the site for you….

  16. Tom Nomad Diver says:

    Saskia…. Wow what a comment. Seriously made my day. I am still laughing, honestly.

    This strange thing called humor, but as a truly serious professional dive instructor you shouldn’t really use it too often at least not without a warning label.

    Kids don’t try this at home!

    You might really missing the point by miles here.

    I am very sure that all dive pro’s coming up with that ‘characters’ are very safety concerned because that’s one of the main parts of the job by definition.

    Why is that funny at all ? Because every dive guide / instructor with a bit of working experience under the weight belt is familiar with that ‘characters’.
    ( for you to understand, all that it’s not real life people with an ID card but the characters still exist ).

    Maybe to explain it with a different angle / job situation.

    I am sure we all agree that there is a lot of hard working, underpaid and caring medical staff around the world.
    They do a great job still most of them, in their break or free time are known to have a very sarcastic humor.
    Does that mean they don’t care about their patients ?
    No they do care a lot but just to relief a bit of that all day normal tough pressure and responsibility they have.
    It’s good to keep your humor up.and i think they are fully entitled to do so.
    Especially when you get sometimes these patients they do need your medical help but are obviously somehow self to blame for what ever problem they have.
    Now getting a medical treatment from the expert / doctor / nurse they might know even better what to do because they might read something in the internet / magazine about it.
    After the whatsoever treatment the patient will maybe judge the treatment according to what he saw in the internet / TV.
    Will the medical staff still do best they can ? Yes they will.
    Will the medical staff still explain everything nice and friendly ? Yes they will
    Do they might crack a little joke later with their colleague? Yes they will.
    Just to make this 100% clear and obvious it’s not about making fun of the one in need of help.
    It’s about getting over the sad and frightening moments when somebody refuses your help and jeopardizes his own and maybe others health and life because he can’t overcome his own ego.
    So now put that in diving.

    Most divers in general are great people and they know how to have a good time and you share as a dive professional lots of amazing underwater experience and surface time with them.
    You get to know lot’s of wonderful and interesting people from all avenues of life.
    That’s one of the big pluses at the job.
    But eventually you run also in this ‘characters’ you literally have to prevent to become future patients and most of the times they are not even very rewarding for that help.

  17. thelostgirlsguidewebsite says:

    Reblogged this on The Lost Girl's Guide to Finding the World and commented:
    A hilarious perspective on things Dive Instructors deal with daily.

  18. milly says:

    cameras! when people dive with cameras they have no clue where they are, where their buddy is, where the leader is, they zip up and down, stand on the reef, chase fish and generally turn into idiots. similar to what happens to people in airports.

  19. Victoria says:

    Whoever wrote this is an irresponsible idiot. I understand these suggestions are meant as a joke but have you considered that this is open to public viewing and inexperienced divers may try some of these and then worse case scenario they could potentially die…..

    • Scuba Monkey says:

      Oh dear Victoria…you obviously didn’t read the section at the top of the page that says “About The Monkey (please read before proceeding)”. And you’re clearly not a diver either.

      The Monkey writes articles on Scuba Diving (The Scuba Monkey’s Job) as well as movie reviews, book reviews and random outbursts on everything from politics, religion, sport and why TV is a distracting pain in the arse. Some are serious. Some are humorous. And if you can’t tell the difference, this probably isn’t the site for you.

      This article was written by a professional diver for professional divers. However, anyone who’s even done their introductory Open Water qualification will realise this is ‘tongue in cheek’ and you would no more do these things deliberately than let go of the steering wheel when driving your car.

      If you still don’t ‘get it’ or think it’s irresponsible I suggest you google the words ‘satire’ or ‘sarcasm’ as a starting point.

  20. Karin says:

    Anne (39) from the UK, working in insurance: For this one you need to do a liveaboard somewhere around some islands in the middle of the sea. Your dive guide will on average be getting around 5-6 hours of sleep per night, less if you can manage to party in shifts so they cannot sleep thanks to all the noise your group is making. You wait until 3 in the morning, then go and hammer on their cabin door. When they open the door, you start to hysterically bitch and moan about the annoying light shining into your windows from the direction of the island and insist that they immediately go over there and tell them to switch it off because you cannot sleep. Then you stand back and watch them trying to explain that it is a friggin lighthouse and that the light cannot be switched off! Watch for signs of grinding teeth and white knuckles. Any suggestions to close your curtains will be refused because you become claustrophic otherwise…. (Warning: this is also likely to get you nominated as on-board rocket scientist of the week/year!)

  21. A says:

    If you would come across me with all these f..cking stupid jokes, you will be surprised about what’s gonna happen….
    I know this kind of divers and I know beforehand if you’re f..cking with me or not.
    I will let it come to a near drowning till the shit starts coming out of your suit…

    The last diver who tried these things on me, didn’t survive !!!
    Hahahahaha, now I get to laugh…..

  22. Dave says:

    Step 1. Make sure that your dive guide and your whole group know that you often have “issues” with equalization.
    Step 2. Insist that there be a descent line for you to use. Especially when the guide has just briefed you for a drift dive with a free descent.
    Step 3. Upon initiating descent, immediately let go of said descent line and commence sinking at a rate of knots while frantically signalling that something is wrong, extra bonus points are scored by simultaneously flooding your mask.
    Step 4. Be sure to blame your guide for ruining your trip. Even after they grabbed you, arrested your uncontrolled descent and dragged your ass back to the line.

  23. Dave says:

    sure fire USDP award … this is a 10 I am sure!

    wake up groggy and late for early morning dive …. at least 20 min is good ….. not too long for them to cancel your dive but long enough to really annoy every one.

    fumble with the hoses and use the tank air to clean the connector … and I mean use a LOT of LOUD air …. particularly being told NOT to use the tank air but to gently blow it dry.

    The do your own dive with no regard for the Guide or the group or your buddy.

    Finish the dive early because your buddy is not as fit as you and has used up all his air trying to keep up with you .

    seeing as you still have plenty of air go back to the boat and get your under age brother in the water and put him on the occy and go for a solo dive ….. don’t bother telling the DM as they will need to be able to not account for your whereabouts for maximum effect.


    You should get USDP in your log book if you do it right.

  24. DougC says:

    Very funny…… & all very true! You could always just employ a technique a fellow (Russian) DM used:

    When confronted with an overweight (male) client wearing a lurid pink wetsuit whose party piece was to kick as many Scorpionfish off their perches as he possibly could….. wait for the idiot to be engrossed in taking a photo, then inflate him & send him on his way to the surface…..

    Later, explain to the client (now on oxygen) that his inflator must have malfunctioned & he should really have his kit serviced more frequently.

    He was Russian, so he didn’t really care about any subsequent lawsuits.

  25. ElCangri says:

    Omg. If only they knew what we instructors can do to them to make their lives miserable.
    We can flood that expensive camera with just a look.
    We can act surprised when the hand swimmers suffer sea urchin impalement.
    Accidentally allow them to get sea slug goo in their hair
    Give them excruciating leg cramps
    Dammit I can even plan who will get mask and ear squeeze and not be able to complete the dive.

    So bring it.

  26. Alberto says:

    and another way to irritate your dive instructor is to “run out of air” at 40meter/120ft. Make sure you are over-weighted too. Good Luck China

  27. Oooh, lovely list! I had a reasonably experienced client who brought his newly certified wife every other day. After his second dive (one wreck, one reef dive) he asked me if we couldn’t go to a better place tomorrow, he had seen enough reef. He needed “blue” after so much “green”, a deep wall would be nice so that he would have a chance to see some “big stuff”. I tried to explain that our choice of dive sites very much depends on our rather unpredictable currents – and the level of other divers (including his wife) but he wouldn’t stop pestering me. I was really tempted to take him again to exactly the same dive site that he had seen that day!

  28. Nice review!! This is why I’ve left instructing recreational diving and got involved in cenotes/caverns/caves diving years ago. Now I just deal with certified divers on land focused to dive in cenotes and avoiding the anoying diver vomiting on me at the surface!!

  29. Renaud says:

    Hi i dont really laugh on this.
    1.lying on your air is stupid and can lead to death
    2..too much weight can lead to overexertion and to death or panic
    3. swimming to far from your buddy can lead to lost buddy and cancel the dive
    4.the rest is “ok” but if you play no clue about equipment, you have a good chance to dive in the pool for refresh.
    5. just think about the rest of the group with you. you will fuck their dive and put everybody in danger just for fun???!!!???
    6. as a dive instructor and a diveshop owner, if we play with you, customers, as you play with us. you will not be happy.

    • Scuba Monkey says:

      Oh dear…you obviously didn’t read the section at the top of the page that says “About The Monkey (please read before proceeding)”. And you clearly don’t understand the satire.

      The Monkey writes articles on Scuba Diving (The Scuba Monkey’s Job) as well as movie reviews, book reviews and random outbursts on everything from politics, religion, sport and why TV is a distracting pain in the arse. Some are serious. Some are humorous. And if you can’t tell the difference, this probably isn’t the site for you.

      This article was written by a professional diver for professional divers. However, anyone who’s even done their introductory Open Water qualification will realise this is ‘tongue-in-cheek’ and you would no more do these things deliberately than let go of the steering wheel when driving your car.

      If you still don’t ‘get it’ or think it’s irresponsible I suggest you google the words ‘satire’ or ‘sarcasm’ as a starting point.

    • Dave says:

      Mate …… read the top introductory post. Learn what satire is and read the other posts to actually umderstand to what you are being all high and mighty about.

      Although if my parents gave me a name like that I might lose my sense of humour as well …… or are you German? Born without a humor gene.

      Note the sarcasm above?

      that is the same sarcasm used in all other posts. ?…. of course Germans have a humor gene so it is all tongue in cheek.

  30. per arnoldi says:

    You have missed one: Find yourself a partner who is REALLY afraid of water and nervous about diving. Then force him/her to take a certificate, go on a live aboard together and let the instructor and the rest of the people there enjoy how much your partner like diving………..

    Im sure You can fill in the details from here 🙂

  31. Derek says:

    Haha! Im instructor myself… Try to do these tricks with me 😉 Within the course, you will just fail and you will have to pay again. Out of the course – you are fully certified divers and fully responsible for yourself. So , if you die, thats your only problem. I dont have to dive after you, to 70m, to help you, at all 😉 Strange article…

  32. solo diving scarlet pimpernel says:

    Well I love it when you’ve got a solo certificate. The dive organizational system teaches solo diving yet they will only very begrudgingly allow you to use it!
    Anyhow it’s how you put your kit together prepare for the dive and general deportment that counts.
    I’m off to curacao in May and I’m so looking forwards to the grief that said morons will try and put me through. The “solo diving is dangerous” talk. The “you” up signal now solo diving isn’t allowed. Give them the bird!

    • Scuba Monkey says:

      As a qualified solo diver myself, I can see both sides of the coin. Yes, of course, with the right equipment (redundancy with both gas, SMB, computers, masks etc.) and training (shut downs/isolations etc.) then why not solo dive? By definition it has more dangers as you don’t have anyone with you if something goes wrong – there’s some things you need a buddy for – no amount of redundancy can help you out of losing consciousness due to bad gas or being trapped. I do Solo dive on my days off from time to time with twins and bail-outs. It’s nice. However, as someone who runs safari boats it’s not really a good idea having solo divers on the boat for liability and risk management reasons – both practical and bureaucratic. This is why it’s not encouraged in this environment.

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