Pinnacle of Diving Education Now Advanced Open Water

Posted: December 12, 2014 in Humour, Scuba Diving
Tags: , , , , , , ,

In breaking news at the Scuba Monkey’s top secret research labs near the Nangtong Supermarket (ask for Bob – red beard, glasses…) it’s been discovered that diving education now may cease at the Advanced Open Water Level as – by then – you know everything there is to know about scuba diving. This new research immediately renders any speciality training and the qualifications of rescue diver, divemaster, assistant instructor, instructor, staff instructor and master instructor completely worthless.

Anything beyond the 3rd blue box 'Advanced Open Water' is simply there for decoration.

Anything beyond the 4th light blue box ‘Advanced Open Water’ is simply there for decoration.

Research conducted on a series of diving safari boats ranging from the Red Sea to the Maldives has revealed that by the time you reach approximately 42 logged dives and PADI/SSI advanced open water level you are a diving god. Any further diving education is unnecessary and a complete waste of money it has been revealed.

Wrong regulator in? Check. No computer? Check. No Clue? Check.

Wrong regulator in? Check. No computer? Check. No Clue? Check.

Antonio Fernandez, 38, an IT consultant and complete bell-end from Barcelona, said “…look, I’ve done nearly 60 dives now and I’m Advanced Open Water. That means there’s nothing left to learn. I am Jacques Cousteau, near enough. I find these so-called ‘dive briefings’ they force me to attend on safari boats both a waste of time and very patronising…I’m certainly not interested in hints or tips from one of these so-called professional divers on the boat.” he said sneering his nose, before adding “Just don’t ask me to put my own fins on without the help of the boat crew or launch an SMB.”

the-danger-of-scuba-diving-6-pics_4

Safety Briefings? Why bother…

Barry Crotch, 26, from Essex, an Advanced Open Water diver with a staggering 33 dives and a series of terrible tattoos, said “Naturally, I know everything about diving now: I have nearly 40 dives. I don’t even need a guide or buddy I’m that good. So I find it deeply insulting that local instructors with 1000’s of dives may ask me how much gas I have left a couple of times during the dive – or ask me to stay slightly behind them. I mean, who do they think they’re dealing with?! Some no-mark with no experience?! I’m virtually a fish.” He then added “Although, having said all that I have no idea what a no-decompression limit is or why my computer keeps beeping at me. I’m sure it’s not important or I’d know what it was.”

No buoyancy skills? no problem! he's a diving god - no advice or further training required.

No buoyancy skills? no problem! he’s a diving god – no advice or further training required.

We spoke with Bart Kowalski, 39, an experienced instructor with global experience and 1000’s of logged dives in varied conditions. “I’m pretty much redundant as a diving professional. I mean, there’s just no validation for my job. This new breed of Advanced Open Water divers know everything required to make a safe dive after 40 logged dives; dive management, gas management, site selection, current management, briefings, rescue techniques, profiling the sites and choosing the most suitable route, keeping the group safe under water.”. Bart then paused for a second before saying “Oh, hang on, my mistake….no they don’t. They know fuck all!”

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