Archive for the ‘driving’ Category

white-van-man

In breaking Scuba Diving News, The Scuba Monkey can reveal that Instructor Bob McNobb, 43, from Gt Yarmouth, broke a new Scuba record when he drove his Scuba Diving Van loaded with equipment from the East Coast of England to Vobster Training Centre in Somerset without even once leaving the outside lane of the motorway – holding up miles of frustrated motorists.

Mr McNobb, armed with only a Mercedes Sprinter van, 3 Ginsters pasties, 2 ‘wild bean cafe’ coffees and 10 Lambert & Butler cigarettes, undertook the feat last weekend.

“It was tough. A real test of endurance staying out there in the wrong lane all that time. But I did it.” said Bob looking tired but relieved at the waterside. “I’ve been working up to this for months. Years. It started back in 2009 when I did a whole stretch of the A14 from Cambridge to Brampton Hut in the outside lane with a queue of angry motorists behind me. I was coaching my Divemaster Trainee, Steve, on how to drive like a proper scuba diving professional. I just built up my strength and endurance from there.”

Talking through his training regime, Bob said “The trick is to ensure you have enough junk food, caffeine and nicotine onboard before setting off. Preparation is key, you see. The rest is just hard work and perseverance.”

Mr McNobb’s record beats the previous champion Mike Twatty’s effort when he drove a Ford Transit from a dive centre near Watford to Guildenburgh Water near Peterborough upsetting 43 motorists and causing a multiple pile-up on the A1 northbound.

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The Title-winning Vehicle

Mr Twatty said “Bob has a gift. It takes a real Pro to be able to unwrap a chicken tikka slice with one hand at 70mph while simulataneously lighting a fag with the other hand and weaving in front of an angry sales rep in a Renault Megane Diesel. Pure class. Credit to him. He’s a worthy champion.”

Asked if he had any “top tips” for up and coming diving professionals wanting to follow in his footsteps, Bob said “Concentrate on the basics and, as I said, ensure you have the right diet of pasties, coffee and fags. Steer clear of the Highway Code. And, personally, I find if I listen to Example, Chase and Status, Pendulum, or something equally banal, repetitive and mind-numbing, that helps to blott out the other drivers’ horns beeping and violent threats – allowing me to focus on dangling my right arm out of the window and tapping the bodywork in time with the music.”

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HAMILTON BEATS VETTEL!!!

Hamilton: “I beat you….urrgghhhh….you’re a spaz!!!” Vettel: “Ok, you win. Now stop pulling that face”

In breaking news today it was revealed that Lewis Hamilton thrashed Sebastian Vettel. Not in an F1 car. In the ‘Silliest Looking F1 Driver Championship’.

3 times Drivers Champion Vettel put in a sterling effort this season; repeatedly pointing his finger and even, to the shock of his many fans, having his hair highlighted like a commercial radio DJ or 3rd division footballer. But even that was not enough to stop Hamilton romping home to take the win and retain his crown. This was the first time the UK has had a back-to-back champion since the days of Nigel Mansell’s memorable moustache/eyebrows combo of the late ’80s and early ’90s

Clinching the points battle was Hamilton’s chin-strap tidy beard that looks like a snail has crawled from one side of his face to the other underneath his jaw, combed forward lego hair to cover his receding hairline, matching sparkly earrings and oversized skater-boy cap.

Team-mate Nico Rosberg said “Yes, I may have also won races this year, but when it comes to dressing like a complete tool I can’t compete. Lewis is a genius.”

Former team-mate Jenson Button said “Lewis is nudging 30 years old and still dressing like a 14 year old skater kid. And he makes looking silly seem so easy. I’ve tried everything – even growing a little fluffy beard – I just can’t get near him.”

Lewis confessed that taking fashion tips from ex-girfriend Nicole Scherzinger had helped him in his efforts to look like a complete dick-bag who’d drive a modded 1989 Honda Civic with an exhaust pipe so big you could fit your head up it.

Will Perkins, 21, who works in Halfords Parts Department and drives a slammed Nissan 200SX said “He looks awesome”.