Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category


Piers Morgan (above). An enormous twat earlier today.

New scientific research completed at the Scuba Monkey’s top-secret research centre (off the A3 near Horsham) has found that there are a concerning number of twats active as recreational and holiday divers in the sport of Scuba Diving. This worrying trend has sent shockwaves through the diving industry.

John, a Divemaster recently working at Stoney Cove, said “I saw a guy with a rebreather reeling off on the 6m training platform built for Open Water divers learning skills. But I assumed he had valid reasons for getting in everyone’s way and behaving like an arse – I didn’t realise he was a twat till I saw him polishing his rebreather on a bespoke stand in the car park later that day”.


Bono: A twat who flies his own hat to gigs in his private jet…and then hypocritically campaigns against poverty.

Steve, who works as an Instructor and Guide in the Red Sea, said “I always tell people to stay slightly behind me on dives as often there’s currents. Sometimes there’s a diver in the group who blatantly ignores that, swims ahead, and gets swept away…but this number of twats seems to be on the increase.” He added “Sometimes you can spot them early by the full foot fins, fins socks and bragging on surface intervals. And if they have really old, ramshackle, equipment like an old Buddy BCD – that sends alarms bells. But they’re sometimes difficult to spot”.

Luckily, tests are available. Scuba Monkey labs have developed a series of 18 self-test questions:

1. Have you ever worn your mask on the back of your head on the surface?

2. Do you lie about your air consumption and always add 30 bar to whatever you actually have when asked (as you misguidedly think consuming less air makes you a better diver)?

3. Are you in favour of Spear Gunning?

4. When arriving back on the dive deck do you ‘high five’ your friends or use the word ‘awesome’ very loudly?

5. Have you ever mocked someone for using a snorkel when recreational diving?

6. Do you regularly use the word ‘dove’? e.g. ‘I’ve dove here before?’ or ‘I dove there last year’.


Edmonds: Tidy-bearded twat.

Edmonds: Tidy-bearded twat.


7. Do you consider yourself more knowledgeable about diving than others in your peer group or on the dive boat? (including the professional divers onboard or at the dive site)

8. Have you ignored the guide’s request/advice and swam ahead of him/her at a dive site? Or exceeded depth limits?

9. Do you tell everyone who’ll listen how many dives you’ve done, and where, without prompting? (as you misguidedly think having done more dives makes you a better diver)?

10. Do you only own a shortie wetsuit and wouldn’t consider diving in water colder than 27c as it’s “shit“?

11. Have you ever dived wearing only 1 glove like some sort of retarded underwater Michael Jackson to allow you grab hold of the reef and steady yourself to take better pictures?

12. Have you ever asked a friend to take video footage of you so that you can analyse your positioning?

13. Do you wear enough lead on your belt to sink a small fishing vessel?

14. Do you take feel the need to chip into a dive briefing made by a professional diver who’s done 1000’s of dives?



15. Do you take your mask off before you’re back on terra-firma at the end of the dive?

16. Do you always insist on a 15-litre tank?

17. Do you have a Go Pro Camera on an elaborate underwater arm system and insist everyone in a 10m radius on the boat watches the footage?

18. Do you talk loudly and authoritatively about the diving industry despite never having been a professional diver?



Gordon Ramsay: A sweary, narcissistic twat, with a face like a Pound Puppy.

OK – Am I a twat?

6-18 “Yeses”: You are a diving twat. Congratulations! Not really, you’re awful. People actively avoid buddying up with you. And the guides, divemasters and instructors take the p*ss out of you behind your back the world over.

1-5 “Yeses”: You’re a borderline twat, standing at the crossroads of twatdom. Take a breath – there is a small amount of hope for you, if you stop wearing your twins pleasure diving in 12m of water and trying to tell instructors and staff in dive centres and on liveaboards how great you are.

0 “Yeses”: You are not a twat. Well done. It’s just possible you may have a great group of dive buddies. Watch out though…being a twat can creep up on you.