Posts Tagged ‘ocean’

In breaking news at The Scuba Monkey’s top-secret research lab (recently re-located to Scotland, just off the main high street in Orkney, past the Fish and Chip shop on the left. Ask for Bob, red beard, glasses, you know the fella) it has been revealed that the Oxford English Dictionary is to be revised due to a spate of incompetent divers.

As it stands, the word ‘Autonomous’ is written on the back of all diving certification cards from Open Water level through, Advanced Open Water level and beyond. This wording was thought to mean that the diver had achieved a level of knowledge, learning and self-sufficiency necessary to dive independently and globally with a similarly qualified dive buddy.

However, recent findings have indicated that the vast majority of supposedly qualified divers are massively incompetent and cannot even prepare themselves for a dive without a team of trained dive professionals dressing them like a small baby having it’s nappy changed and pandering to their every whim.

Rare photo of diver putting their own fins on.

Rare photo of diver putting their own fins on.

On a recent diving trip, Dick Byrne, 63, a recently retired accounts manager, fully qualified diver and irritating arse said “I’ve dived globally and have over 50 dives in my logbook. However, I still can’t manage to put on my own hood, gloves, mask, fins…anything in fact. I can’t even manage to switch on my own tank before kitting up.” Looking baffled he added “I know it says ‘autonomous diver’ on the back of my certification card but I thought that meant I had to sit on the dive deck like Professor Stephen Hawking while 3 people dressed me and then eased me into the water.”

“I thought you were going to equalise my mask for me.”

Rosy Beaver, 28, of Boston, USA, a web designer and olympic standard wet-blanket, said “When I go diving I like to wait until 3 minutes before the dive before checking my equipment and then decide I’d like different fins, mask, gloves. And then to sit there like a helpless animal while a team of dive staff run around after me like I’m Kanye West in a Gucci shop. I and I never put on my own fins. Never.” Looking surprised, she added “I thought Autonomous meant you would be dressed automatically anyway.”

Anass Rhammar, 36, an IT consultant originally from Mumbai, said “When I dive I have a diving computer. However, I have no idea what the strange figures are it provides me on screen are. I just follow the guide blindly like a lemming on a suicide mission. It looks good though, it has a red strap.” Dumbfounded, he said “I thought Autonomous meant I had to wear it in the car too”.

Representatives from the Oxford English Dictionary are presently revising the dictionary definition of ‘Autonomous’ to read: stands a 50/50 chance of being competent and able to think and act for themselves.

Maggie, 38, an Instructor working in Indonesia said “…most holiday divers are about as autonomous as my 3 year old nephew. Yesterday I had to explain to someone which of their boots was for the left foot and which was for the right foot.” Shaking her head she added “Soon we’ll be towing them around the dive site on long ropes so they don’t have to move their legs either.”


In breaking news at the Scuba Monkey’s top secret research labs it’s been revealed that working full-time in the diving industry for a period in excess of 2-3 years may result in an affliction known as ‘Instructor Tourettes’.

We only asked him where a nice place to get pizza was - now we've got a full briefing.

We only asked him where a nice place to get pizza was – now we’ve got a full briefing.

Sufferers of this condition display several signs and symptoms. If you notice any of the following in your diving colleagues or yourself, please notify your dive centre manager and seek medical advice:

  • Inability to communicate without using hand signals (ask your colleague or friend to say ‘moray eel’ and see if they can keep their hands still)
  • Sufferers usually speak in a slow, broken, grammatically incorrect form of generic non-regional English although they’re talking to a 5 year old.
  • Faint aroma of salt-water at all times.
  • White band on arm where dive computer would normally be present.
  • Collection of well-worn and slightly aromatic fake quicksilver/billabong flip-flops.
  • Collection of salt-stained and faded dive centre t-shirts.
  • Bags under eyes due to sleep deprivation/nitrogen loading.
  • Disproportionately small bank balance and/or large overdraft.
  • No socks.
  • Panic attacks in big cities/crowds.
  • In acute cases sufferers may turn every conversation into a dive briefing.

Help me…I can only talk in hand signals. No-one warned me about this on my Divemaster course.

Mike, 42, from Ipswich, said “I used to be a professional in the corporate world. Now, after several years working in the diving industry, I can’t hold a normal conversation without discussing fish or using my hands to signal – even ordering a beer at a bar I start talking like I’m a childrens TV presenter. It’s embarrassing. My friends just take the piss out of me.”

Emma, 37, from York, said “I’ve been an instructor working in Asia for 8 years. When I landed back in London and was faced with the modern world I was like Crocodile Dundee or some sort of caveman who’d been thawed out from the ice-age and never seen civilization before – I could barely cross the road without freaking out.”

The best treatment should you have a friend or colleague suffering in this way is to provide them with lots of cold beer and a comfortable bed for a few nights.

Please help these poor unfortunate souls to rehabilitate into normal life.

With time and effort these people can regain normal behaviour and speech patterns and become useful members of society again.

Invisible to most novice divers.

Invisible to most novice divers.

In breaking news today at The Scuba Monkey’s top-secret research labs (just off the A12, near the Texaco Fuel Station and Wild Bean Café, ask for ‘Bob’, red-beard, glasses, you know the bloke…) groundbreaking new evidence has been uncovered regarding novice divers.

Previous schools of thought has assumed that completing your introductory one or two scuba diving courses had no bearing on the students’ eyesight or powers of perception. However, recent evidence has suggested that being a novice diver in the 10-100 dive range can drastically impair vision and memory.

Dr. A Hedgehog of Scuba Monkey Labs commented “…in recent tests these new divers went through a transformation following their basic training. Not only did they, seemingly overnight and for no reason, develop an over-inflated sense of their own diving ability – which in today’s narcissistic society is perfectly normal – but more surprisingly appeared to lose a large proportion of their vision or memory when diving.’

A narcissistic idiot earlier today.

A narcissistic idiot earlier today.

Asked to elaborate, Dr A Hedgehog said “As you’re aware, an experienced diver can usually enjoy the full underwater experience regardless of environment; the topography, the ambience, the water movement, the variety of life from small hermit crabs, dancing shrimps and nudibranchs to schooling fish and beyond, the history of the wreck, the interaction with fellow divers, the peace and tranquility and the sheer wonder of simply being underwater all are enough to keep the experienced diver amused…usually for the whole duration of the dive.”

“However”, he said shaking his head sadly, “this 10-100 logged dives demographic seem unable to focus on anything in-water aside their own, personal, diving needs and bragging rights on the boat – and are only able to physically see something if it is aquatic life greater than 3-4m in size that is physically pointed out to them with the accompaniment of a repeated ting-ting-ting sound – a bit like Pavlov’s dog. Astounding.”

Beautiful...they'll never see them.

Beautiful Bluefin Trevally…they’ll never see them.

We caught up with a diver just surfaced from a dive in the Indian Ocean. Boarding the boat from a stunning dive where Turtles, Peacock Mantis Shrimps, Trevally, Moray and a school of over 100 barracuda were present, Fabrice Crotch, 27, an enormous twat from Switzerland who works in accounting said “I’m an Advanced Open Water diver with 25 dives and I didn’t see a Whale Shark on that dive. In fact I didn’t see anything. Boring. I did manage to kick the other members of my dive group on the head several times and set off the ascent alarm on my computer though, so not all is lost.”

The crowned-prince of twats.

The crowned-prince of twats.

Asked by our research team if he had any other recollection of the dive he rolled his eyes threw his mask randomly on the floor in with someone else’s equipment to cause delays searching for it prior to the next dive, before picking up his iPhone and standing in the middle of the dive deck obstructing everyone else.

We next managed to catch up with Terry Balls, 42, a Carpet-fitter, UKIP voter and irritating arse from Barnsley, UK, at Scapa Flow, Europe’s premier wreck diving site. As he was lifted back onto the boat from a dive on the historic German Battlecruiser, SMS Dresden, we managed to grab Terry’s first words: “It was a bit cold… The instructor said something about a gun or anchor capstan or something, but I didn’t see it…pretty boring.”

"I can't see a Barracuda - how can you expect me to see a fan coral?? Don't worry a new one will grown in a few decades."

“I can’t see a Barracuda – how can you expect me to see a fan coral?? Don’t worry a new one will grow in a few decades.”

This phenomena is still being investigated by the world’s leading Ophthalmologists and Neurologists to decipher causality but there appears to be a strong link between being an inexperienced diver in combination with being an enormous idiot.

Instructor Carlotta Gonzales Fernandez from Tossa de Mar, 33, said, “…these new divers seem to have an uncanny ability to filter out anything smaller than a large eagle ray. I once took my group through a school of dozens of hunting trevally and afterwards they said the dive was boring and they’d seen nothing. Yes, they were idiots.”


Piers Morgan (above). An enormous twat earlier today.

New scientific research completed at the Scuba Monkey’s top-secret research centre (off the A3 near Horsham) has found that there are a concerning number of twats active as recreational and holiday divers in the sport of Scuba Diving. This worrying trend has sent shockwaves through the diving industry.

John, a Divemaster recently working at Stoney Cove, said “I saw a guy with a rebreather reeling off on the 6m training platform built for Open Water divers learning skills. But I assumed he had valid reasons for getting in everyone’s way and behaving like an arse – I didn’t realise he was a twat till I saw him polishing his rebreather on a bespoke stand in the car park later that day”.


Bono: A twat who flies his own hat to gigs in his private jet…and then hypocritically campaigns against poverty.

Steve, who works as an Instructor and Guide in the Red Sea, said “I always tell people to stay slightly behind me on dives as often there’s currents. Sometimes there’s a diver in the group who blatantly ignores that, swims ahead, and gets swept away…but this number of twats seems to be on the increase.” He added “Sometimes you can spot them early by the full foot fins, fins socks and bragging on surface intervals. And if they have really old, ramshackle, equipment like an old Buddy BCD – that sends alarms bells. But they’re sometimes difficult to spot”.

Luckily, tests are available. Scuba Monkey labs have developed a series of 18 self-test questions:

1. Have you ever worn your mask on the back of your head on the surface?

2. Do you lie about your air consumption and always add 30 bar to whatever you actually have when asked (as you misguidedly think consuming less air makes you a better diver)?

3. Are you in favour of Spear Gunning?

4. When arriving back on the dive deck do you ‘high five’ your friends or use the word ‘awesome’ very loudly?

5. Have you ever mocked someone for using a snorkel when recreational diving?

6. Do you regularly use the word ‘dove’? e.g. ‘I’ve dove here before?’ or ‘I dove there last year’.


Edmonds: Tidy-bearded twat.

Edmonds: Tidy-bearded twat.


7. Do you consider yourself more knowledgeable about diving than others in your peer group or on the dive boat? (including the professional divers onboard or at the dive site)

8. Have you ignored the guide’s request/advice and swam ahead of him/her at a dive site? Or exceeded depth limits?

9. Do you tell everyone who’ll listen how many dives you’ve done, and where, without prompting? (as you misguidedly think having done more dives makes you a better diver)?

10. Do you only own a shortie wetsuit and wouldn’t consider diving in water colder than 27c as it’s “shit“?

11. Have you ever dived wearing only 1 glove like some sort of retarded underwater Michael Jackson to allow you grab hold of the reef and steady yourself to take better pictures?

12. Have you ever asked a friend to take video footage of you so that you can analyse your positioning?

13. Do you wear enough lead on your belt to sink a small fishing vessel?

14. Do you take feel the need to chip into a dive briefing made by a professional diver who’s done 1000’s of dives?



15. Do you take your mask off before you’re back on terra-firma at the end of the dive?

16. Do you always insist on a 15-litre tank?

17. Do you have a Go Pro Camera on an elaborate underwater arm system and insist everyone in a 10m radius on the boat watches the footage?

18. Do you talk loudly and authoritatively about the diving industry despite never having been a professional diver?



Gordon Ramsay: A sweary, narcissistic twat, with a face like a Pound Puppy.

OK – Am I a twat?

6-18 “Yeses”: You are a diving twat. Congratulations! Not really, you’re awful. People actively avoid buddying up with you. And the guides, divemasters and instructors take the p*ss out of you behind your back the world over.

1-5 “Yeses”: You’re a borderline twat, standing at the crossroads of twatdom. Take a breath – there is a small amount of hope for you, if you stop wearing your twins pleasure diving in 12m of water and trying to tell instructors and staff in dive centres and on liveaboards how great you are.

0 “Yeses”: You are not a twat. Well done. It’s just possible you may have a great group of dive buddies. Watch out though…being a twat can creep up on you.