Posts Tagged ‘Scuba Diving News’

In breaking news at the Scuba Monkey’s top secret research labs near the Nangtong Supermarket (ask for Bob – red beard, glasses…) it’s been discovered that diving education now may cease at the Advanced Open Water Level as – by then – you know everything there is to know about scuba diving. This new research immediately renders any speciality training and the qualifications of rescue diver, divemaster, assistant instructor, instructor, staff instructor and master instructor completely worthless.

Anything beyond the 3rd blue box 'Advanced Open Water' is simply there for decoration.

Anything beyond the 4th light blue box ‘Advanced Open Water’ is simply there for decoration.

Research conducted on a series of diving safari boats ranging from the Red Sea to the Maldives has revealed that by the time you reach approximately 42 logged dives and PADI/SSI advanced open water level you are a diving god. Any further diving education is unnecessary and a complete waste of money it has been revealed.

Wrong regulator in? Check. No computer? Check. No Clue? Check.

Wrong regulator in? Check. No computer? Check. No Clue? Check.

Antonio Fernandez, 38, an IT consultant and complete bell-end from Barcelona, said “…look, I’ve done nearly 60 dives now and I’m Advanced Open Water. That means there’s nothing left to learn. I am Jacques Cousteau, near enough. I find these so-called ‘dive briefings’ they force me to attend on safari boats both a waste of time and very patronising…I’m certainly not interested in hints or tips from one of these so-called professional divers on the boat.” he said sneering his nose, before adding “Just don’t ask me to put my own fins on without the help of the boat crew or launch an SMB.”

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Safety Briefings? Why bother…

Barry Crotch, 26, from Essex, an Advanced Open Water diver with a staggering 33 dives and a series of terrible tattoos, said “Naturally, I know everything about diving now: I have nearly 40 dives. I don’t even need a guide or buddy I’m that good. So I find it deeply insulting that local instructors with 1000’s of dives may ask me how much gas I have left a couple of times during the dive – or ask me to stay slightly behind them. I mean, who do they think they’re dealing with?! Some no-mark with no experience?! I’m virtually a fish.” He then added “Although, having said all that I have no idea what a no-decompression limit is or why my computer keeps beeping at me. I’m sure it’s not important or I’d know what it was.”

No buoyancy skills? no problem! he's a diving god - no advice or further training required.

No buoyancy skills? no problem! he’s a diving god – no advice or further training required.

We spoke with Bart Kowalski, 39, an experienced instructor with global experience and 1000’s of logged dives in varied conditions. “I’m pretty much redundant as a diving professional. I mean, there’s just no validation for my job. This new breed of Advanced Open Water divers know everything required to make a safe dive after 40 logged dives; dive management, gas management, site selection, current management, briefings, rescue techniques, profiling the sites and choosing the most suitable route, keeping the group safe under water.”. Bart then paused for a second before saying “Oh, hang on, my mistake….no they don’t. They know fuck all!”

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In breaking Scuba Diving News, The Scuba Monkey can reveal that Instructor Bob McNobb, 43, from Gt Yarmouth, broke a new Scuba record when he drove his Scuba Diving Van loaded with equipment from the East Coast of England to Vobster Training Centre in Somerset without even once leaving the outside lane of the motorway – holding up miles of frustrated motorists.

Mr McNobb, armed with only a Mercedes Sprinter van, 3 Ginsters pasties, 2 ‘wild bean cafe’ coffees and 10 Lambert & Butler cigarettes, undertook the feat last weekend.

“It was tough. A real test of endurance staying out there in the wrong lane all that time. But I did it.” said Bob looking tired but relieved at the waterside. “I’ve been working up to this for months. Years. It started back in 2009 when I did a whole stretch of the A14 from Cambridge to Brampton Hut in the outside lane with a queue of angry motorists behind me. I was coaching my Divemaster Trainee, Steve, on how to drive like a proper scuba diving professional. I just built up my strength and endurance from there.”

Talking through his training regime, Bob said “The trick is to ensure you have enough junk food, caffeine and nicotine onboard before setting off. Preparation is key, you see. The rest is just hard work and perseverance.”

Mr McNobb’s record beats the previous champion Mike Twatty’s effort when he drove a Ford Transit from a dive centre near Watford to Guildenburgh Water near Peterborough upsetting 43 motorists and causing a multiple pile-up on the A1 northbound.

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The Title-winning Vehicle

Mr Twatty said “Bob has a gift. It takes a real Pro to be able to unwrap a chicken tikka slice with one hand at 70mph while simulataneously lighting a fag with the other hand and weaving in front of an angry sales rep in a Renault Megane Diesel. Pure class. Credit to him. He’s a worthy champion.”

Asked if he had any “top tips” for up and coming diving professionals wanting to follow in his footsteps, Bob said “Concentrate on the basics and, as I said, ensure you have the right diet of pasties, coffee and fags. Steer clear of the Highway Code. And, personally, I find if I listen to Example, Chase and Status, Pendulum, or something equally banal, repetitive and mind-numbing, that helps to blott out the other drivers’ horns beeping and violent threats – allowing me to focus on dangling my right arm out of the window and tapping the bodywork in time with the music.”